I'm doing better today.
I woke up in a daze, 7am. I threw some laundry in the wash, took Hazel for a walk, and took a hot shower. I made myself a pot of coffee, set up my workstation, and then washed some dishes. I made a post on r/loseit, spilling out all of my insecurities, all of my concerns, and all of my unhealthy coping. It felt pretty cathartic. That, on top of Bri's response, really made me take a hard look at what I've been doing the past several weeks. I gave so much to my mom after Arrow died, and so much to friends and loved ones - I really neglected myself. It shows. I'm at peace with those decisions.
There was a really insightful response on the r/loseit post as well. I'm so very thankful for the grace and kindness of others.
I've had more water today than I have all weekend. I feel less groggy. More hopeful. My body is aching less. Placebo effect? Maybe.
I think Christina read last night's post, because she changed her tumblr name. I guessed it (Christina if you're reading this, I'm sorry). I'm done looking - She obviously changed it for a reason, and I need to 1) respect that, and 2) recognize that the developed habit of reading those posts is harmful to myself, especially with posts concerning Alex.
Intentionality is a mindset that needs to be practiced continuously. I can only focus on today, and that's what I intend to do.
I don't know why I stopped writing. I think part of it was because I was afraid of who would read these. But that's okay - I can't control what others will do, only what I do and how I react to the actions of others.
12:27 p.m. - 2020-06-08
Recent entries:
I hate you. - 2021-03-12
Leave What's Heavy Behind - 2020-07-09
Talk Less, Smile More - 2020-07-04
Golden Hour - 2020-06-09
Forward, March. - 2020-06-08
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