I've always thought of myself as a positive person. And I still do. But there is so much hate that I hold in myself. For myself, for members of my family, for former lovers, for friends, for colleagues, for many. And I hold most of that in.

It's eating me alive, and I hate that the most.

I like typing more so than writing - Writing takes too long, and I fear my train of thought would be lost by the time I get a sentence down on paper. So here we are.

During my relationship with Christina I struggled with this complex where I felt the need to defend her and her actions. Even now, my intrusive thoughts are SCREAMING "Well, you weren't perfect either! Everybody makes mistakes, Hannah Montana!"

It's something I struggled with throughout our relationship - Excusing her behaviors by justifying and minimizing her actions and words. Even rationalizing them due to things I said and did.

After our relationship, I did the same thing. I downplayed the emotional impact she had on me. In therapy, my counseling did a really grab job challenging me. I was so focused on what Christina went through towards the end of our relationship, I didn't give myself to process MY feelings, and the shit I was going through. I excused her actions post-breakup - The calls, the texts, her friends texting me, and everything in between - and in doing so, I buried my feelings. I did that because I convinced myself what she was going through was worse. And it was, objectively - But that should have never discredited my feelings.

We're friends now. But there's a part of me that feels like I compromised my right to be upset for her sake. That was my choice, and I own that. And yet, I'm so bitter - Not only for the things she did to me, not for this pseudo-control she has over me, but because I STRUGGLE to say anything bad about her, even in my own private online journal (what an oxymoron).

I hate how much grief you gave Bri, and I hate how much shit you gave me for reading her diary. Yes, I lied. And also, Bri and I ended our relationship forever ago. She saw me as a friend, not as someone she was romantically interested in. We had been through SO much with her family, my family, and struggles. I felt like Bri was one of the few people who really understood me, who I trusted, and you took that away from me. Because you were so fucking...I don't know, jealous? I never understood it, ESPECIALLY after Alex.

Speaking of Alex - I can't believe he was someone you cheated on me with when we first started dating, who you almost broke up with me for, and THEN had the gall to be mad at me about Bri. AND after everything that happened last year, it makes me wonder if those feelings for him were actually dormant.

I also will never forgive you for going out with friends on my birthday. Yes, I was weird around drinking. But I drove up to you on my birthday weekend to spend time with you, and you left me in your apartment while you went out with friends. And then I picked you up not 30 minutes later, and comforted you. I COMFORTED YOU. WHAT!? Are you kidding me!?? I get if you had work and couldn't get out of it - We've both had that happen and I get it. That's life and that makes sense. But you made a conscious choice, after I got there, to ditch me for friends on my birthday weekend? I should've left right then and there.

And there's the problem - You were always the one to shame yourself, to bring yourself down, to express how worthless you felt. In that, I NEVER got to feel bad about myself, and to voice that. I always had to be the emotional crutch, and I never got to feel that sadness. I had to use my natural positivity and optimism, more than what I was used to. And in doing so, I ran out. I've become much more bitter. And I hate that you contributed to that.

I hate that we had so many intimacy issues. I get that I brought some of those issues myself, but I will never forgive you for using an "open" relationship to get emotionally close with other men. That wasn't the deal. And you hid that from me. And as soon as I wanted to "close" it back up, you want to go on a break? How the fuck does that make sense. You detached yourself from me for a year before we broke up, but you never had the nerve to officially end it. You made me do it. You made me look like the bad guy because you were too afraid to let go of your crutch. You couldn't admit that you loved yourself more than you loved me, and you needed to protect yourself and have that safety net, even at my expense.

You destroyed me.

You took me away from friends. You made me wrack up credit card debt. You took me off my career path. All for your own selfish reasons. All so that you could thrive. These are things I don't think I can ever forgive or forget.

And I hate most that almost 3 years later I'm still picking up pieces while handling life, and you just get to go on thinking we're okay.

I'm proud of myself for finally being at a space where I can admit how much you hurt me. I'm also at a spot where I'm picking myself back up. But damn if you didn't destroy me, and damn if I don't hate you for it.

7:11 p.m. - 2021-03-12