There's too much that is happening, that has happened, to really put into words. 2020 is atrocious, and it has come at me incredibly hard.
At this point in my life, I feel suffocated by friends and family. I've also never felt so alone. I've been thinking a lot about Christina since we became close again. I don't love her, and on most days I find her infuriating. I respect her so much, and I would love for us to just be friends again. Unfortunately, she's "dating" this guy who she emotionally cheated on me with when we first started dating. She was so invested in this guy, and I only found out after she left her tumblr open and I looked. Apparently there's more to the story - I don't care to know.
We fought a lot about Bri. About me looking at her diaryland blog when I told Christina I would stop. It was never about me loving Bri, or going after her, or longing for her. It was something I checked when Bri and I dated, and I guess it was a habit I never stopped. Also, I missed her. I still do. I wish we were close - I'm so amazed at where she's come from, and I respect her SO much.
So, turns out Christina and this guy have been seeing each other. He is the antithesis of everything she wanted in a partner. And here we are. And I think that's what gets me the most - She spent so much time with reassurances of not being drawn to anyone like that. I cried over this guy. And now it feels like..I don't know, like those reassurances were lies? People change (lord knows I have), but it seems like a slap in the face.
Much like Bri's diaryland, checking Christina's tumblr has become a habit (and probably an unhealthy one). Reading the way she talks about this guy makes me realize I wasn't the person she thought I was, that I thought I was, in that relationship. It makes the six years, honestly, truly, feel like a waste. And now I don't know who I am.
I've been having a lot of mental health issues lately. I can't stop binge eating. My drinking is become more casual. I find I'm able to catch myself for a day or two, but this past week, for whatever reason, was especially bad. I'm at my highest weight, my self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. Tyler and Madison are constantly asking to hang out, work is taking over much of my time because of covid-19, and I've had to constantly check up on mom since Arrow passed. I still haven't recovered from my drive to Florida.
I'm so tired.
It's a weird thing, ya know? To reflect on who you were, so long ago, and who you are now. I always thought of myself as smart, funny, respectful, a good listener, and a good partner. I think the sad reality is that I really wasn't. Not at all. My partners weren't perfect, but they deserved so much better. Bri, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for pressuring you into things that made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry for chastising your choices instead of lifting you up. Christina, I'm sorry for not being the adventure you were looking for. I don't know if either of you will ever read this. Your choices and paths are full of such amazing things, and I hope the future is good to you both.
Luke, hang in there. It's okay to cry, buddy. You ARE smart, you ARE funny, you ARE kind. You've made some pretty horrible choices, and done some pretty horrible things. But you can restore yourself. Your greatest weakness is the need for others to like you, to care about you. And when it doesn't feel like that, man, it really hurts. I hear you. But you have a good path ahead, too. Keep walking. I love you.
11:02 p.m. - 2020-06-07
Recent entries:
I hate you. - 2021-03-12
Leave What's Heavy Behind - 2020-07-09
Talk Less, Smile More - 2020-07-04
Golden Hour - 2020-06-09
Forward, March. - 2020-06-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others: